I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
