I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I have post one night stand depression
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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