Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
