Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
