The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
