My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
