i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
