We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
