Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
