Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
