by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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