I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
