so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
