my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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