saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
