Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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