Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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