i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
