So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
