Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
