Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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