Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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