So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
