the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
