i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
