she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
