my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
