I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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