I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
