I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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