That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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