This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
