were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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