Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
