Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
