I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's official drugs can't kill me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
