Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
