Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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