update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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