he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
