I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
