my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
