Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
