I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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