Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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