and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
