I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
