he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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