we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
