Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
