dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
