I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
