I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
