I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
